Musings Of A Companion
by xfirefly9x
Summary: Inara. A range of drabbles from Inara's POV that I wrote for big-damn-quests on livejournal.
1. Battlefield

Battlefield

**Word Count:** 353

**Notes:** Written for **bigdamnquests (Round 4 - Challenge 1):** "How did you survive the toughest battle of your life?"

The toughest battle of my life would seem very juvenile to an outsider. Most likely, it would seem that way to the crew as well and they know me better than anyone! (Not that they know me personally – they know the Companion in me and not my real persona.)

Anyway, my toughest battle wasn't the dangerous war-like activities that occurred at Miranda, not was it the horror of the Reavers on the many occasions that Serenity came across them. It wasn't even the jobs that the crew have been on at times putting both themselves and occasionally me in danger, or the fights I've had with Malcolm Reynolds, the ignorant captain of Serenity.

No, my toughest battle was leaving Serenity.

Leaving Serenity was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I wasn't completely satisfied with the decision, but I had to do it for many reasons. I'm a Companion and a Companion needs to stay in control at all times. Aboard Serenity, I was slipping.

I was feeling things that one following my profession should defend against and I was letting emotions overtake every fibre of my being. I was losing myself and becoming one of them. In saying that, I don't mean that the crew aren't good people. I just can't be like them. I'm not built in the same fashion.

Leaving all of the crew behind was really hard. I've formed allegiance with each and every one of them in some way or another. Friendship even. But that's why I had to leave. I was getting too attached.

Now that I think about it, my reasons sound weak and selfish. I've been at the Companion Training House for a little over 2 weeks and a part of me is missing. I miss the crew greatly: Kaylee and her engine grease, Simon's disability to form a complete sentence in the presence of the mechanic, River and her random moments, Book's company, Jayne's crude comments, Wash's jokes and Zoe's constant stability and especially Mal.

More than that, I miss Serenity. Leaving Serenity was definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do.


	2. Destined Path

Destined Path

**Word Count:** 364

**Notes:** Written for** bigdamnquests (Round 4 - Challenge 2):** "Do you have faith in a higher power that guides your life? Fate, karma, god, anything?"

I've been asked on many an occasion whether I believe that there's a higher power guiding my life. After giving this much thought, I've decided that yes, I do believe.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, as clichéd as it sounds. Fate guides you onto your destined path. It pushes you in the right direction. For me, that direction was in the way of Serenity, a Firefly-class spaceship with a crew of petty thieves.

It's not where I'd have expected to end up and the company is somewhat different to what Companions of my standing are usually in the presence of, but now, Serenity is the one place that I can truly call home and the crew have become my family.

I believe that fate pushes you in the right direction and acts as a guide on the journey of your life. It's always there to take you where you're supposed to be, whether for good or for bad reasons. It's the reason I am where I am and it's the reason that I feel the way I do about a certain captain, as much as I hate to admit.

But you can't rely on fate itself. To put your entire existence into the hands of fate would result in not living at all. That's something that I've done for too long. I've been pushing away all of the signs and avoiding the inevitable. I've been denying what I feel and it's taking its toll. It's the reason I left Serenity in the first place.

I've had a lot of time to think about all of this and have asked myself many times why I force away fate with so much of my being. If I truly believed in fate, wouldn't I embrace it with open arms?

My answer is simple: If I do let fate play out, it would result in loss of control and a true Companion never lets anything take away that very important mannerism. So, despite fully believing in fate, I leave it behind for all that are able to pursue it without fear and follow my path alone. Or maybe I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.


	3. Sentiments

**Sentiments**

Challenge: (Round 4 - Challenge 3): "Do you believe in true love? Have you ever felt it?"

Do I believe in true love? I'm not entirely sure. Love was not a subject taught about while I was training as a Companion and although I have, a few times, had feelings for men, I can't say for sure that it was love that I felt and not just lust.

There is only one man that I'd consider that way more so than anyone else. Not that I'd ever tell him that. Nothing could ever work between us. I'm a Companion and he calls me 'whore'. We argue over everything, no matter how small or insignificant. It's intolerable!

He was broken in the war and never healed, as well. The man can't let go of that time and leave the past in the past. While we're both on the same ship, Serenity, we're universes apart, really.

And of course, if I told him that I'm in love with him (not that I _am_ in love with him!) he'd shut me down immediately. I just couldn't take that. It's better for me to leave love to those that can feel it without any complications blocking their way.

Anyway, I've said too much already. That's my answer…


	4. Addendums

**Addendums**

Challenge: (Round 4 - Challenge 3): "What is your biggest pet peeve?"

My biggest pet peeve is definitely the disrespect that Mal shows me. He calls me a whore despite all the times that I've requested him not to. I think he does it because of his obvious dislike of my career choice. There's almost always a hint of jealously in his voice when he uses that word…

Another thing that he does is barge into my shuttle unannounced, whenever he feels like it. He never shows any sign that he cares. Its almost like he does it on purpose, to get my attention. Intolerable is too weak a word to describe it! I fear that someday, he's going to interrupt me at a very bad time.

I only hope that when that happens, I'm not with a client.

When I first joined the crew of Serenity, I put forward a few very simple addendums. Out of everything that asked of him, I can only think of one rule that hasn't been broken. That is my biggest pet peeve of all.


End file.
